At a Loss for Words

My goal for this year was to be more present right here. More words for you and more intention for me. Fast forward to where we are in this pandemic and I am utterly exhausted and at a loss for the words I promised to myself.

I’m not exhausted for the reasons you might think. I’m exhausted at humanity. I’m tired of putting myself out there to be yelled at, treated poorly and walked on. You see, I am now considered front line. I work at a business that is considered essential. I haven’t lost my job or been told to stay home. In fact it’s quite opposite. I have been asked to stick it out, work more hours, more days and put myself out there even more if I can. We are only 3-4 weeks into what could last for months if we don’t listen. If we don’t play by the rules. If we don’t stay home as asked.

Here’s the thing. You’re not listening. Essential services means if your hot water tank blows you can get it fixed. If the heat in your house is on the fritz you can get a new thermostat or furnace. ESSENTIAL LIFE SERVICES. This does not mean you can load the kids into the van and bring the entire family in to go for a walk and look at plants. This isn’t the time to wander the aisles because your bored! What are we not understanding?? The longer it takes us to play by the rules, the harder the rules will get, the longer this will last and the number of fatalities will increase.

I come home every day after what is a very long 8 hours and cannot touch my husband until my clothes are in the basement and I have had a long soapy shower. I am the reason he could get sick as I am the only one leaving the house and putting myself in front of 800-1000 people every single day. That’s too many people not listening! I am floored and dismayed by how many groups still saunter the aisles dreaming of their new BBQ, testing out new patio furniture or coming to get paint samples so they have something to do. Some of them have the nerve to yell when they can’t get what they want. They get angry when I won’t let them lean on my shoulder to look at the computer screen as I search for whatever non essential item they are looking for. People are lining up outside the doors as only 50 people are let in at once and it disheartens me to realize they don’t need to be there. It frustrates us to have to tell you only one person in your group is allowed in because we know you’re going to get angry. Somehow it’s our fault. Yet we are the ones tired and broken but still showing up for YOU.

PLEASE listen to the rules or they will get harder. Stay home or this will last longer. Stand back or this will spread faster and take more lives.

If you need to get groceries or supplies then have some courtesy for those of us literally putting our lives and the lives of our families at risk. There is absolutely no reason for you to yell at me. There is no reason for you to discard your latex gloves on the ground for someone else to clean up! There is zero reason for you to think you are better than me. I am, after all, here on the front line to help you. If we don’t start acting like responsible grown ups we are in for a world of trouble. If we don’t start treating each other with an ounce of decency and respect then I’m not sure what we will have to look forward to.

I always knew I was essential, I just thought of it differently til now.

Exhaustedly Essentially Me.

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