Yesterday I Felt So Heavy.

Maybe it was the weather change. Maybe it was the strange dreams I have been having. The feeling of being very unsettled, unconnected was strong. I had a hard time finding my joy yesterday. I questioned my new job that I really do enjoy. I doubted my thoughts of what path I was on. I second guessed pretty much every stable thing I have in my life. Why??

Five years ago yesterday was a game changer. Five years ago yesterday my life drastically changed. Five years ago I was no longer needed. I was laid off. Many of you may think that isn’t a big deal, and maybe for some it wouldn’t be. For me, it wasn’t easy. I was 45 years old working in the restaurant industry. I was at a place that was safe and familiar. I had a work family that had my back. So I thought. For many years they DID have my back I guess that’s why this blindsided me even more. I was no longer protected. No longer comfortable. Certainly no longer safe.

I had just bought a new car. My husband had been quite ill and he was seemingly improving, or so we thought then. There were more hurdles still to come unfortunately. We were headed to Mexico in a few months for a family wedding. Things were looking pretty good! Until the Tuesday right before Thanksgiving.

Being told you are no longer needed, that you are a budget cut or nothing more than a salary on paper are only words but holy shit do they pack a hellova punch. Those words stick in the very core of your being for a long time. They manifest into feelings of guilt. Then they turn into thoughts of being a complete failure. No longer wanted. Failure. Not needed. Failure. A budget cut. Failure. What I assumed was my career, my safe place just told me I was wrong and to move along. Now what??

Anxiety and depression. That’s what. Thoughts of self sabotage. Thoughts of never being good enough for anyone again. Feeling like you can never do enough consumes you.

Five years have gone by and still yesterday, I felt heavy. I felt wronged. Five years have gone by and I have not been able to forgive the person I thought was family. Until now.

Today the heaviness is gone. Will it return? Maybe. Right now the sun is shining inside and out and I know it is time to forgive. Funny part? The first 8 months of this year were even shittier than five years ago. That’s how I know it’s time. I just got to a place of comfort again. That place of forgiveness. This chapter needs to be closed once and for all. I have struggled hard finding myself and a path I want to be on. Things have sucked but I haven’t really gone without so how can I complain?? I still have a house, a car, my health, my family and more! Adjustments were made that made me dig to understand what was truly important and what was only superficial and unnecessary.

My husband still believes that his illness played a part in my lay off. My (our) attention had been shifted and we were no longer part of the fun that contributed to events as staff or as customers. Extra hours weren’t spent away from home anymore. We were no longer part of the inner circle. Being outside that circle was important for his recovery but showing up less seemed unfavorable. I could be wrong but we needed to focus on life and health and this was the forced opportunity that I didn’t realize I/we needed. Looking back, I’m actually thankful for the kick in the ass. But it sure hasn’t been easy.

Five years later and I am still struggling financially but I’m ok. Five years later my husband is healthy. Five years later I love who I am so – It is time to forgive so I may close the book that is holding me back from writing the next one.

Thank you for reading. Let’s see what the next five years has in store.

Essentially with forgiveness,

Me.

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